Seasons

They come and go...you can count on that.

I realized this morning that I used to write about the things I was learning, the things I was reading, and all the stuff that God was teaching me. I have always liked getting it out of my head and into words. It helps me “see” what I’m learning. For the past 2 1/2 years I’ve been writing to get out the grief and the questions and the ick of life. It’s helped a lot to write and process and have my grief witnessed. It’s still been about what God is teaching me, but it doesn’t feel the same. I miss parts of my old life.

There is a lot going on as is normal in my life, but one thing I haven’t written about is that I hired a nutrition and health coach. In June, Rick looked at me and said, “I think you need a coach and I can’t be it.” So, I jumped at that idea and started searching. It actually didn’t take me long to find one I connected with. There were two Instagram posts that basically screamed this is your girl. One was Ashley (my coach) talking about hormones and how at some point we have to quit blaming everything on hormones and do something about our issue with food, nutrition, exercise. Whatever it is you need to do. That hit a little deeper than I wanted. The second was she had a post with THE verse that changed everything for me 11 years ago. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed with the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2) That was all I needed to schedule a call, and I signed up that day.

One of my mindset issues that I had going into the program was that if I fixed my health and nutrition issues than what else would God make me go through? In my mind was this idea that He’ll just give me something else to work on and I wasn’t sure I could handle one more thing to work on. I’m tired. Exhausted really…of trying to fix me. It’s been almost three months since I started and like I feared, I’ve got more things to fix. But to my surprise I’m ok with it. I know that God will never stop working on me until I am who He created me to be. So that mindset and that fear of God giving me something else wasn’t warranted because while it’s true, it will ALWAYS be true. This new revelation is not new. It’s planned. He will always be transforming me which means I will always be working on something. Might as well get healthy on the way.

This new thing, while probably not surprising to those who know me well, was a surprise to me. Apparently, I’m a perfectionist! I’m not the classical over the top perfectionist. The one with the perfectly kept house and the perfectly organized pantry, schedule and life. There are so many things I could care less about. If you stop by my house, it’s usually a disaster. Especially if I have had to watch the four boys that day. I don’t dust enough. I don’t mop the floors enough, although I do run a small vacuum pretty much every day. My office is the dump-all for whatever the boys can’t have or things that need to go somewhere but I haven’t figured out where yet. I gave up on makeup and doing my hair 2 1/2 years ago. Laundry will be done, but it’ll probably be folded in laundry baskets still sitting in the laundry room, which you will see because that is where the guest bathroom is. I don’t even care if you see it. It does not bother me one bit. In fact, you will wash your hands in a utility sink with the cold and hot water still not switched around from a building mistake 15 years ago. See…not a perfectionist.

Turns out I’m not a classical over the top perfectionist. I’m just a messy one that is basically only a perfectionist in one area…me. One that does not know how to give herself grace or accept a compliment or be ok with not having it all figured out. That middle “eh” life that I’m living that I wrote about last time, is not a place a perfectionist like me wants to be. The expectations and responsibilities that I put on myself are the nightmares of this particular type of perfectionist. Who knew? Not me!

For example, I struggle so much taking care of the four grandkids. I can’t figure out what to do with them. I feel like a referee that no one listens too. Rick is so good with them. He can do things and not worry about who’s going to get hurt, probably AJ, or who’s going to disappear to help himself to the contents of the fridge, probably Max, or who’s going to start welding or griding or swinging a hatchet, probably Ronin, or who’s going to just walk away and leave, probably Joshua. Nope, he gets things done, the boys are all still alive, fed and here. I can’t figure out how he does it.

So, because I can’t do it like he does well then obviously I’m a failure. I know that’s also comparison, but to me it feels like a perfectionist thing because I look at how well he does and that’s what I judge. He doesn’t get frazzled…ok, maybe he does a little, but it doesn’t ruin the whole day. He doesn’t need a nap to get through the day with them. He doesn’t need to have time away from them to recuperated. He doesn’t look utterly exhausted and frustrated at the end of the day. I do. So obviously this means I’m a failure.

This is where a few pieces of information come into play recently and why I’m processing this. My coach pointed out that I’m very hard on myself. (Ya think!?) She also pointed out that I’m very good at putting everybody else first. We have a weekly progress report and in response to one of my answers Ashley pointed out that serving my family well doesn’t mean I have to disappear. She also noted that I miss God. Both of these struck a chord. I do miss God. I miss my time with Him. The time I used to have. The studying two different books in the bible, reading two other books and prepping for lessons and bible studies while also discipling students. I miss that. I hired Ashely to help me loose physical weight and learn how to exercise better, but I’m getting way more than I expected. In fact, I’m losing more mental and emotional weight then physical weight and while I do feel a slight disappointment in that, I know this is what I needed. There’s more work to do on the inside.

Some little phases that I keep finding that are helping me lose some emotional weight…

All of this led me to the realization that I have a perfectionist view of how my life should look and feel. I know I’m not in control of anything so why does this view stay? Well, I do not have that answer yet, but I will continue to pray and spend my 10-15 minutes with God on the busy days with the boys. It’s not what I used to do, but it’s what my messy, middle life can handle right now. I will also try to remember to turn to God in the chaos, instead of falling apart. And, above all, I will trust that this middle part of my life is a season. One that will change and grow and evolve just like all the other seasons I’ve already gone through because after all, seasons always change. You can count on it.

Until next time,

Stay Anchored