Connecting the Dots

I can feel a breakthrough coming. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but there are some really great things floating around in my brain. I figured I’d come on here and try sorting a few of them out. There’s been a lot of “connecting the dots” today. Little things that didn’t seem significant at first, but they just kept piling up on each other. So much so that I can’t deny it anymore. God is trying to tell me something. Ok…I’m listening.

I listen to a lot of different podcasts and about 5 different pastors. I’m not sure which one I got this from, so I apologize but I have heard most of them say it’s ok to steal what they say so, not too worried. The phrase was that God is sovereign and nothing is a surprise to Him. Ok…not earth shattering with that phrase, but what does sovereign mean? And why today of all days does it stand out?

According to a really quick Internet search, the sovereignty of God is summarized as God being all-powerful and all-knowing, outside of time, and responsible for the creation of everything. Basically, this means that nothing happens in our universe outside of God’s knowledge and therefore control. This also means that God has the power and knowledge to prevent events from happening and if something happens it must be at the very least allowed by God.

This becomes difficult to understand when you’ve lost someone to some form of evil or sickness or even an accident. For me, the question that comes up is how can I accept that Gage’s suicide is part of God’s plan? How can suicide be God’s will? I have been struggling for quite some time to reconcile this. Strangely enough, if Gage were here, I’m confident this discussion would have fascinated him. I know he would have willingly sat for hours to discuss it. The idea of evil existing and a God existing at the same time was something he was wrestling through.

So, here’s what happened today…after writing down that God is sovereign quote and writing “Gage” and “I accept that”. Meaning I accept that God is in control of everything including what has happened in my life. I paused after writing, “I accept that.” Do I? Do I accept that? I wrote that down too. And then I wrote “How do I accept that this is God’s plan? That suicide is God’s will? It’s hard to reconcile.”

I went on with my day, after writing out these questions. My mind was buzzing as I made a cake for my daughter-in-law’s birthday. I made myself lunch and decided to take a break with a show. It was a free day, no kids to watch. I opened my coaching app to take a picture of my lunch and saw the reminder for our weekly live group call. It was 12:02, the call started at noon. I was actually shocked that I had forgotten.

I didn’t think about it then but now I know it’s one more thing that aligned today. I got in said hello and the first questions was, “What is one word to describe the season that you are in right now.” I entered the word “acceptance” into the chat. I was still pondering all that I shared above, accepting my son’s death and a whole host of other things including my health, food and exercise. I talked through it a bit with my group and another weight was lifted and another dot connected.

Then I listened to this week’s sermon by Josh Howerton, he’s the pastor at Lakepoint Church in Texas. He hosts one of the podcasts I listen to regularly. I heard something that brought me right back to the beginning of my thoughts from the morning. He was talking about breaching the strongholds in our mind and about the bullseye on every born-again Christian’s back. This spiritual battle is not foreign to me. If it is to you, I hope you will take the time to learn more about it. I’d have to write a book to explain it all right now. Josh said something and I don’t have a direct quote, but this is what I wrote down. “Satan’s one job and what he wants is to take you out…to kill you. If he can’t kill you, he will try and get you to kill yourself.” I have already come to the conclusion that suicide is demonic. That it is from Satan and not from God.

I then wrote, “God is good. God is love. God hates evil. God hates suicide.” This was my brain processing the truth I know even when my feelings are not aligning. God loves me. God loves Gage. I hate what Gage did. God hates what Gage did.

I wanted to look up what the Bible says God loves. I turned on my phone and Facebook was still open. There was a meme. It said, “God permits what he hates to accomplish what He loves.” - Joni Eareckson Tada. Another dot…

So that is what I am processing. All of the little messages I received today that all tell me that God did not want this to be my life. Gage made a choice and now this choice is what God will use to accomplish something He loves. This reinforces what I’ve said before, “If it isn’t good, God isn’t done”.

And I still might not know what the good is yet in this particular instance but, I do know that He’s changing me. He’s refining something in me that is good. He’s showing me that you can hold grief and joy at the same time, that you can both mourn and dance and that you can question and still trust. There is a small and actual growing fire of hope once again inside me. I have missed it.

Until next time…Stay Anchored.

*Not meant to be a complete list