Learning to Live in the Middle

I'm not exactly where I want to be in life. The trouble with that statement is, I actually don't even know where I want to be. It used to be so easy. I've always had that thing I was working towards. Like senior year of high school (a loooong time ago) I wanted to marry Rick. I knew what needed to be done to get that accomplished. By the end of my second year of college I knew I wanted a job that paid at least minimum wage, was not in a restaurant, and maybe taught me something. I knew how to get that too. And on and on. From having kids to going back to school (Yes...more than once) moving to Wisconsin to changing careers it was clear. I knew what steps to take and which hoops to jump. I'm not sure if it's because I'm older and time is just different now, or if it's maybe because I've learned I know absolutely nothing. You see that girl back in high school who only wanted to get married? She knew it all. She knew her plan and thought she knew what life was all about. But the older version of that girl now sees some of what God was doing. Even 30 years ago.

Maybe some of that insight is wisdom. That's kind of scary to say. I'd also hate to say I'm wise, that sounds...well, old and not very humble. But I think that might be what it is. I have the wisdom to know how much I don't know now. I also know how much control I have over "the plan" of my life too. It's none, in case you were wondering. I also know I have so much more to learn. About God, my life, His plans, my husband and all the people I love. I also know that no matter what's next, I will be ok. I trust a good God and I truly believe He doesn't stop or give up on His plans until they are good. And well there just some things that are not good yet.

The really frustrating thing about believing in a good God who doesn't stop until all things are good, is that the answer and the good might not come while I'm on this earth. UGH! That's my struggle right now. The middle. The part between the now (the not knowing) and the then (the knowing). The uncomfortable, hope I'm learning something along the way, middle. The plan is definitely not clear and to be honest, the next step is not even there yet. And yet...

He is good. He is faithful. He is Good God Almighty, to steal the words of a Crowder song. I believe it, I've seen it, I trust it and yet...I struggle. I think that might be the craziness of being a Christ follower. Knowing that perfect exists, believing that perfect is the eventual end result and yet being stuck in the middle. I guess that's what C.S. Lewis meant when he said, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” (That's what I mean by perfect. That won't happen here, I know that.) But this strange zone I find myself in, where it's not bad and it's not painful, but it's also not good, it's just "eh".

To translate for my Romanian and German children, "eh" is the Wisconsin technical term for mundane or maybe even boring. Not to be confused with the other usage of the word "eh", which would be followed by a question mark and is a sound used to express inquiry or anticipation of the reader's agreement. My "eh" is more of a disgruntled sound with a slight look of confusion on the face as you say it. I don't seem to enjoy living in this middle space of life called "eh". Not that I want more pain, but at least with pain you know the reason for what you are feeling. The "eh"?? Not so much.

But it will be ok. Someday. I do know that much. It's just the waiting, here in the middle. Where I can see pieces of what I might be called to do, but yet there's still no time, direction, freedom, or plan of how to get there. Just this little inkling of a purpose. A small glimmer of a life after the middle.

I have done a few things to keep that glimmer lit. I launched a website to start promoting my business and I've done a few social media posts. (Check out my website at www.stillanchoredcoaching.com) I also have a special friend helping me put a video together in the next few weeks and I met with a published writer and speaker who helped me see some of the little pieces I'm missing. So, I have a very small plan of things I get to do, which includes writing a blog post at least once a month. I should probably do more than one, but we are going to start small until I have all my Gigi-babysitting hours scheduled. I've also created goals and written them down. I have some notes to start working on the small pieces that needed to be created and hopefully you will see such pieces being promoted by the end of September.

I really don't know what else to do, here in the middle, except take baby steps. Keep learning, keep reading, keep writing and keep moving forward. Forward has got to be the way out of the middle...right?

Until next time, stay anchored.