Tomorrow, but not Today

Grief is a journey.  A long one.  A journey you don’t want to take but at the same time are helpless to do anything about.  I have learned that no one is an expert in grief.  So, if someone says they are, don’t buy it. The only expert in grief is the griever.  If you happen to be walking alongside someone like me, just listen.  Allow them to be the expert in their story and for you to be willing to learn what that means.  No two people will grieve the same.  Even if they experience the exact same event, they will still not grieve the same.  It’s why it’s so hard to comprehend the ups and downs and why the griever feels so crazy and alone sometimes.  But grieving is what they (I) must do. 

And so, it brings me to the next “leg” of this journey.  Father’s Day 2026.  Who knew that was going to turn out to be one of the hardest days yet.  It’s because of all the work I’ve been doing to heal and to understand what it takes to walk through this. It’s because I know I have to feel the sad.  I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised, but you would think Mother’s Day would be harder.  It was hard, I went to the gravesite and had a good talk/cry/sob with God and Gage, but for some reason today hurts.

I don’t know if it’s because I know how much my husband hurts or if it’s because I have to watch my grandsons, the boys he left behind, deal with some hard stuff.  It’s not my hard to carry but it’s the hard I have to deal with and I’m not doing a very good job at it.  Some days it feels like I’ve got it, I can do it, but this week…I can’t.  Today…I can’t. And I’m going to be ok with that. I’m going to give myself some grace and do what I need to do to care for myself today.

And so I cry, not really understanding why the tears won’t stop, but letting them come anyway because if they don’t, it’ll just happen again and again until I finally sort it out. Grief must be released.  So this is me…sorting it out and releasing it…on paper. 

I miss him.  My heart aches today because he’s not here to hear his boys say, “Happy Father’s Day!”  I had such a hard time voicing those exact words to my middle son, a father of two. From the moment I saw him today, every time I went to say them, I cried.  I finally choked them out and hugged him and broke.  Why??  Because my heart hurts today, because he’s not here. That’s about all I got. Ugh. I hate this. 

Thankfully it’s not always like this. I can’t even remember the last breakdown. That’s got to be good news.  This week is the beginning of a few hard dates: my birthday and his birthday.  And while I know we will celebrate his birthday with his favorite foods and tell Gage stories and laugh, today is still today.

I’m praying I wake up tomorrow and feel lighter, but to do that I have to get through this. I have to be thankful for all I have learned, my family, my grandsons, my daughters-in-law, my husband and my sons.  I am ok. Not at this exact moment, but in general.  I’m going to be ok even when the hurt comes again. Even when I have another argument with Ronin that makes me realize I’m still fighting with Gage.  Even when I turn 50 on Thursday.  Even when we get to July 6^th and then January 6^th.  I will be ok.  And the reason I will be ok is because I know my Savior lives. Which as the hymn says, because I know that, I can face tomorrow.  I might not be doing well facing today, but I can face tomorrow.  My fear of the future is gone.  It will be whatever God has ordained it to be.  So tomorrow I will rise and start again and continue praising the one who holds my future and the future of my family.  Tomorrow I will…because today, I’m still crying.